What's a weekend?

I actually haven’t felt this bad in such a long time. I’m trying my hardest to at least LOOK happy and ACT happy, but I can’t. There’s probably no use in trying, because if I can’t fool myself, I can’t fool anyone.

The past month has caught up, I guess. This year has sucked so bad so far - I’ve hated it and, ashamedly, cried over it. Last night especially I felt really low. What with my best friend being in hospital, my grandparents being ill, History making me upset, some other issues that I’m too confused to mention, my family being intolerable - INCLUDING my sister (oddly enough) - I can barely even manage to wake up in the mornings. In fact, the only time of the day that I like now is when I go to bed. I’ve been staying up until 2/3am each morning recently, just so I can have time alone. I’m losing a lot of sleep over that - my mum’s probably right when she says I have no logic.

I think last night I determined why I feel like this; but it’s still hard to tell whether I’m correct. I do know that I’m lonely though, and that I honestly don’t want the next 11 months to be like this one. I’d rather run away and live my life in a cave then suffer through this again. I feel as if I’ve given up with almost everything in my life right now - I don’t want to admit to that, but it’s truth. Sometimes I wonder whether I’m just too pessimistic about everything. That’s what my twin keeps telling me, anyway. Perhaps I am. Perhaps I’m making a big deal out of nothing…

But I swear to God, I hate feeling like this more than I could hate anything or anyone. It sucks to experience it again.

I actually had an awesome day today.

But then my mum rang me up, yelling in my fucking ear for my whole Drama class to hear about how I was “10 minutes late”.

I think I must have done something wrong, or I must have said something wrong, or perhaps I may have even been born wrong, because I feel like that at home.

Y’know, I never asked to be different from my parents. It’s not my fault that they are so bloody emotionally retarded. They don’t even fucking know me. I’m more like a thing, rather than a person. Instead of being asked how my day was, I get yelled at for leaving a stupid fucking door open. Instead of engaging in a conversation with me, they bitch and judge everyone - including some of my own friends. Instead of understanding that I’m upset that I’m not exactly feeling the best right now; that I’m angry and annoyed at everything because I don’t know how else to act, they tell me to grow up.

My sister, though I love her to pieces, doesn’t empathise at all. Especially with me. She just told me that she’d be happier if I left home. I would have stayed at uni here if she asked me, but I obviously am not worth as much as I thought.

I want to leave now, because the only member of my (close) family I can stand right now is in another country.

I’m going to put all of the shit stuff I’ve experienced in the past months behind me, and make a big effort to enjoy Christmas this year. Last year’s Christmas sucked because I let myself get caught up in all of my problems. That stuff, and those people, can wait until after Christmas and in the New Year. Somethings need to just be left alone for a while, anyway, until you’re ready to deal with them.

I genuinely believe that no one gives a fuck about me anymore. I don’t think I’ll ever be good enough for anyone. So I may as well give up trying now.

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Genuinely don’t know how I’m related to my parents. So glad none of their ideologies on sexuality, sexism and appearance have rubbed off on me. I’d be disgusted with myself if I shared their opinions. I refuse to respect these people when they refuse to respect anyone else. I really do not like who they choose to be. I’m old enough now to know what’s right and what’s wrong, but if hating them is wrong, hell, I don’t want to be right.

Um.

So my Mum just asked me whether my twin and I would want to go to the same university.

Realisation has literally just slapped me right in the face and it really hurts. I’m not going to be with her forever, am I?

Y’all are probably like, “who cares, she’s just a sister”. She’s so much more than that. She’s one of my best friends too - she probably knows me better than anyone else in “real life”. She’s also been with me through absolutely everything. She even follows me on here (on my other account though).

I’ve never been apart from her for more than a week, and that was while I was on a school trip to Spain. Even then I wasted about £50 calling her everyday. One day, half way through that trip, she stayed awake texting me for hours because I freaked out and thought some Spanish dude was carrying a dead body into an elevator outside of my room.

We were in the same class in primary school.

We started secondary school without knowing ANYONE there. We got so much closer because of that.

We’re in 3/4 lessons together for college now.

We share the same friends and hang out together.

We shared a room for 11 years of our life.

She knows about all of my fucking obsessions and lets me vent my feelings to her.

She’s the only one that encourages me to pursue my chosen career choice.

She’s the only one that I have super bitching sessions with.

Fucking hell. I take back every single mean thing that I may have said or done and I forgive her for every mean thing she’s said or done to me. Even that time she smacked me around the face with a spade because I ‘annoyed her’. Bitch. I don’t want us to go to different unis or to not even live near each other.

Having a twin sucks for the first decade or so, but once you mature they basically become you’re best friend (or at least ONE of your best friends). I feel so lucky that I’ve always had someone with me. Even if she’s not the most sympathising, understanding and emotive person, she’s fucking awesome.

On the first day of college they told all of us that we’d feel stressed at least once over the course of the two years. I haven’t stopped being stressed since the first week - it’s weaving itself into other crap that I don’t want to think about and now I think I’m depressed. I get barely any sleep, I can’t stay happy for more than five minutes and I cry at everything even if I don’t have a reason to. I hate being at home and I’m starting to dislike college because of this stupid stress I have. I want to go someplace else because I’m sick of looking at things that remind me that my life sucks. 

I love Media so much. It’s the only lesson that I always enjoy going to (I love English loads too, but not quite as much). My teachers are awesome, the work is hard but awesome and the stuff we learn interests me. Yeah, even the crap about institutions interests me - everyone else loathes that side to the subject. Oh, and I love the theories part too. 

I don’t even know why I felt like writing that. I’ve been doing this subject since Year 10 (and a bit before, if you count the little bits of Media you do in English in KS3). But I’m just sat here preparing for this History debate tomorrow and all I want to do is do my Media essay and practical work. I don’t even know what’s wrong with me, man. I never WANT to do work.

Hello Cold World thoughts

So it seems like I’ve been waiting forever for this song and my wait was FINALLY over today. I was so eager because Paramore means so much to me and EVERY.SINGLE.SONG they have ever written/performed means something personally to me - I can relate to every song; no lie. I depend on the emotional connection I have with each song because they manage to open me up and understand myself better than anything, or anyone else, can. It hurts to do so sometimes but it makes me feel better in the long run. I’m one of those freaks that likes to analyse myself and my problems because I don’t know myself as well as I’d like to yet.

I REALLY needed this song. Like really really. I guess it’s because I knew it would help me and deal with my issues. I haven’t been feeling great - I still feel crap even now - but this song and this band just makes everything better, even if only a little bit. I tend to just cover up my problems and the majority of the time I feel uncomfortable speaking about my emotions and crap. This band literally forces me to open up and I know it’s what I need. So yeah, Paramore, the awesomeness that is Hayley, Taylor and Jeremy, literally save me from hitting rock bottom every time. I know they will continue to do so, too. Fuck knows where I’d be if it weren’t for them: I truly believe that they are some of the only people that will always be there when I need them. I spend a lot of time searching for new bands to listen to and no one ever comes close to these guys. When I meet them one day, I’ll tell ‘em.

As for Hello Cold World… I do not give a single fuck whether you dislike it, it’s fucking awesome and I love it. I’ve been listening to it on repeat since like 4. NO REGRETS. Not a single one.

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I don’t get it at all

They ask, I tell them. They immediately say no.

Apparently “newspapers are going out of fashion”. Well, apparently you’ve never heard of online newspapers and the articles written on there.

They also said that it’s “too difficult to get a job within journalism”. I’m sorry? I have thought about this so much. The course at the uni I want to go to almost guarantees you a job after the course. It has so many contacts through the BBC and ITV (e.g.) and allows work placements there. The only thing I have to do is work hard for my A-Levels and hope to God that a) they allow me on the course and b) someone actually employs me at the end of it all.

There was no support from them at all. Just negativity. Should never have said anything.