What's a weekend?

I was so happy yesterday and Wednesday, and I was happy today too, until I got home. Nothing’s happened as such though, so it might (I REALLY hope) just be a one off.

But the majority of the time nowadays prepare for a metaphor that will blow thy mind I feel like my life is just one big treadmill that keeps on getting faster and faster. I can’t keep up with the change at all. I barely know what I want anymore and I have no fucking clue how I feel half the time. Because even when I’m happy and smiling I still feel as if I could cry.

When I’m at college I want to be at home. When I’m at home I want to be at college. When I’m around people I want to be alone. When I’m alone I’m desperate for company. When I’m not doing work I want to be doing it. When I am doing work I feel like giving up and sleeping. When I’m on Tumblr I want to be off of it. When I’m not on Tumblr I need to get back on it… urgh. It’s like nothing makes me happy anymore. Having a job now does NOT help anything either. I have to rush my homework and revision on weekends now - that’s when I tend to get most of it done. My aspirations to become a journalist were almost pretty much shot down when my parents spoke to me about it the other week. ALMOST. I’m going to try very hard and do my best, but I’m expecting nothing. That’s what I’ve told to expect anyway.

I can’t even stand to be in my bedroom because looking at it makes me sick, and being in my house makes me feel sick, and the majority of the people in my house upset me and make me mad. The other night I legit nearly walked out of the house in the early hours of the morning. I didn’t even know where I was going to go, but I wanted to go so badly. If I were 18 and not in Uni already, I would have gone like a shot. It’s because of college, though. I need to stay for that.

I’m at my happiest when I’m with my friends these days. But even then I know it’s not me being “cured” from my unhappiness, if you like, it’s me being distracted by it. I feel like I’m just pretending if I can’t see it, it won’t be there - and I KNOW I need to try and get rid of it. But every time I try to tell somebody, they pass it off as me being an attention-seeking miserable, naive little girl. My mum gives no shits about how I feel. I wouldn’t even tell my dad, no way. My sister literally just says nothing and leaves my room without saying a word and my older sister is too engrossed in her own life to care. As awfully childish as it sounds, I really am desperately craving someone who knows how I really feel just to give me a hug. I only get hugs from people who believe that I’m happy - which is everyone, basically.

Pretty much given up thinking that people will care though. Whenever I tell someone about stuff, they don’t care at all. So I’m just going to go ahead and keep all of this stuff to myself in future.

That was all I really wanted to say.