What's a weekend?

I actually haven’t felt this bad in such a long time. I’m trying my hardest to at least LOOK happy and ACT happy, but I can’t. There’s probably no use in trying, because if I can’t fool myself, I can’t fool anyone.

The past month has caught up, I guess. This year has sucked so bad so far - I’ve hated it and, ashamedly, cried over it. Last night especially I felt really low. What with my best friend being in hospital, my grandparents being ill, History making me upset, some other issues that I’m too confused to mention, my family being intolerable - INCLUDING my sister (oddly enough) - I can barely even manage to wake up in the mornings. In fact, the only time of the day that I like now is when I go to bed. I’ve been staying up until 2/3am each morning recently, just so I can have time alone. I’m losing a lot of sleep over that - my mum’s probably right when she says I have no logic.

I think last night I determined why I feel like this; but it’s still hard to tell whether I’m correct. I do know that I’m lonely though, and that I honestly don’t want the next 11 months to be like this one. I’d rather run away and live my life in a cave then suffer through this again. I feel as if I’ve given up with almost everything in my life right now - I don’t want to admit to that, but it’s truth. Sometimes I wonder whether I’m just too pessimistic about everything. That’s what my twin keeps telling me, anyway. Perhaps I am. Perhaps I’m making a big deal out of nothing…

But I swear to God, I hate feeling like this more than I could hate anything or anyone. It sucks to experience it again.